And as I sat there, one stark realization hit me, and I murmured it out loud to God. "I don't want to go back out there."
I didn't want to go back into a situation in which I was certain to fail once again. I hated myself, and I didn't want to reinforce my "bad mom" status in my mind or in my son's mind. I couldn't handle any more conflict, and I didn't want my son to know his mom was a wimp.
But God does answer prayers, and those desperate words I had muttered involuntarily were almost immediately drowned out by God's words.
"Be strong and courageous." And we had just read a scripture in Psalms for school that morning. "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You."
Many believe that courage is having no fear. That couldn't be further from the truth. Having no fear borders more on insanity than on courage or bravery. Courage is having fear, but doing what needs to be done anyway, no matter what.
I knew I had to go back out there. I knew that my son needed me, and that he needed me to be the mom God wanted me to be. But I didn't want to go, and I had no idea how to be the mom I should be (at that moment). I was totally stressed and emotional, and that was NOT what my son needed!
But how could I summon the courage to do what I knew needed to be done - be a mom to my son? I couldn't. It had to come from God. As I let His words sink in, I began to calm down. And I told myself again that this "mom thing" is HARD, and that no one has all the answers. I just needed to add more patience and compassion. But that, too, had to come from God. My fuse was extremely short, and I was out of 10's to count to.
The conclusion I reached, on that closet floor, was that I just had to keep going. I had to trust God to supply the courage that I didn't have. I had to keep trying to be the best mom for my son, even though I may fail a dozen times a day. I had to KEEP TRYING.
So, to all you fellow moms out there - Just Keep Trying! Our job is incredibly difficult. None of us ever imagined it quite this way, did we? But our children need us. Just like we, as God's children, need God - each and every second of each and every day.
So let's pick ourselves up off the closet floor, dry our eyes, dust ourselves off, and get back out there and try again!